Small updates and some navel gazing

[m_of_disguise]

 We have a car! M managed to find a great deal on a 2005 Honda Civic, and we picked it up for just over $1800, so we even came in under budget. It’s in fantastic shape, passed inspection with flying colors, and even has an after-market radio installed so we can listen to Spotify via Bluetooth. So, hooray!

My parents are planning to head to Germany at the end of April, so I am planning a massive takeover of the living room so I can get some sewing projects done. I’ve had zero room to work on anything since Dickens, and I have a sewing list that’s a mile long, so I’m going to activate Super Sew-er mode and bust out as much as I can. Most of it is UFOs that need a thing done here or there, others are things I meant to do for Dickens and didn’t have time for, like the 1879 dolman that I bought literally everything for, but didn’t get to make.

I’m toying with the idea of starting a YouTube vlog for costuming stuff. I’m still more comfortable with text, so it would only be a supplement to my written blog, but I feel like costume blogging is sort of moving in the video direction, and I want to at least put in some mild effort to keep up with things.

It would mean that I need to get comfortable seeing myself on camera, which I’ve always sort of hated. I haven’t liked how I look since I was about 15, so either I need to dump a lot of weight, or work around it somehow. Thinking of filming myself has made me confront everything I hate about my looks – my weight, my skin, my hair – and really look at how I’m treating my body. I love eating whatever I want, I love food and enjoying food, but sweet Zod I hate being fat, and I really need to do something about it.

But more than that, I just need to treat myself better. I haven’t bothered for a long time with doing my hair or wearing makeup, or even buying myself new clothes, because I’ve always looked at it like “I look terrible anyway, what’s the point of any of the rest of it?” Then, of course, Facebook shows me a picture of myself from 5 years ago and I looked really damned cute, and I end up feeling worse because I let myself get this way.

Of course, all these feelings are made worse because of period hormones, which are raging right now. I’m always harder on myself this time of month, and feel so much more disappointment and shame than at any other given time.

All this has really been sort of a push toward making myself better, though, which is something I've wanted to get back to for a long time now. I think I’ll start tonight by restarting my skincare routine, because Zod knows my skin could use it.

Comments

[brickhousewench]

Congrats on the Honda! They're great cars (I'm on my third Honda Accord).

I love eating whatever I want, I love food and enjoying food, but sweet Zod I hate being fat, and I really need to do something about it.

Right there with you sister. The struggle is real.